(Part 2) Recognising and Protecting Yourself from Covert Abuse

Kirsty Richardson
Nov 5
5 min read

Updated: Nov 12

Recognising Covert Abuse in Action

Unlike overt abuse, covert abuse operates through subtle manipulation, withdrawal, and invalidation. Many survivors describe feeling off balance or confused, as though they can’t quite pinpoint what’s wrong.

Common indicators of this type of abuse include:

Persistent self-doubt: You start second-guessing your memory, reactions, or perception of events and may even wonder if it's you that is causing the harm.
Walking on eggshells: You become hyperaware of their moods or tone shifts, adapting your behaviour to prevent tension.
Chronic confusion: You feel emotionally foggy or unstable when interacting with them but can’t explain why.
Loss of identity: You begin to feel detached from your values, needs, or sense of self and act out of character.

It’s often not one major incident but an accumulation of subtle jabs, withdrawals, or criticisms that erode the person's confidence and self-trust over time.

Gaslighting, Projection, and DARVO

Gaslighting: Involves denying or distorting your reality, eg. “I never said that,” “You’re too sensitive,” or “That never happened.” Over time, it conditions you to doubt yourself and your own perspective.

Projection: This happens when the abuser attributes their own feelings or behaviour to you. For example, someone who lies frequently might accuse you of being dishonest.

DARVO: This stands for, Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It is a pattern where the abuser denies their behaviour, attacks your credibility, and paints themselves as the victim. This can be particularly confusing for outsiders and devastating for the person being targeted.

Triangulation: Abusers often involve others to maintain control, create confusion, or isolate their target. This can include comparing you to someone else, turning friends or colleagues against you, or using others to validate their version of events. Recognising triangulation helps you see when others are being manipulated and protects you from participating in the abuser’s tactics.

Reactive Abuse: Why the Term is Misleading

You may come across the term 'reactive abuse', which describes situations where the person being abused reacts in anger or frustration. While it can feel as if there’s mutual conflict, the term is misleading, as it suggests mutual abuse.

In reality, reactive abuse is a response to the ongoing emotional and psychological abuse, which is often provoked by manipulation, gaslighting, or repeated invalidation. The person responding is usually reacting from a place of self-protection or emotional overwhelm and nervous system dysregulation, not trying to dominate or control the other person.

Understanding this distinction is critical. It prevents survivors from blaming themselves and helps outsiders recognise who is causing the harm, rather than framing it as mutual wrongdoing (National Legal Service, n.d.).

Why It’s So Difficult to See Clearly

Part of what makes covert abuse so complicated and confusing, is the way it alternates from abuse with occasional kindness, connection and vulnerability. This inconsistency conditions the person's nervous system into cycles of anticipation, hope, and fear, which is known as intermittent reinforcement. The person being abused questions how it is possible that their loved one is abusive when they also said and did loving things in between cycles of devaluation.

When the same person who hurts you also comforts you, your brain releases dopamine during the “good” moments, reinforcing the emotional bond. It becomes less about love and more about survival seeking safety and relief from distress.

This dynamic can feel really difficult to break free from, especially if you’ve experienced trauma or attachment wounds earlier in life. Your system is wired to equate tension and relief with connection, even when it’s harmful.

Breaking the Cycle

Recovery from covert abuse begins with recognising what is happening. Accepting that what you’ve endured has had an impact is the first step toward reclaiming your sense of self.

Document your experiences.

Writing in a journal, keeping voice notes, or speaking with a trauma-informed therapist can help you organise your thoughts and track patterns. Documenting interactions protects your sense of reality, especially when gaslighting or DARVO has caused you to doubt yourself and your perceptions.

Prioritise emotional regulation before reacting.

It’s understandable to want to confront the abuser or explain yourself, but responding while dysregulated often plays into the cycle of manipulation. Pause, breathe, and ensure your emotional and physical safety first.

Seek validation from safe sources.

Talking with friends, counsellors, or support groups who understand covert abuse can help you name what’s happening without minimisation or blame. Trusted sources can help you separate your feelings from the distortions imposed by the abuser.

Build boundaries, not defences.

Boundaries are tools for protecting your energy, not weapons for retaliation. Being clear about what is and isn’t acceptable helps stabilise your environment and restores autonomy.

Withdrawal is self-preservation, not weakness.

Choosing to disengage from manipulative behaviour is an act of self-respect. It’s not avoidance; it’s recognising your right to safety, clarity, and space from harm.

Over time, these strategies help calm the nervous system, restore perspective, and rebuild confidence. You start to see the patterns that once felt confusing, understand your reactions, and reclaim control.

Healing from Covert Abuse

Healing is not linear. There may be days where you feel empowered and others where you feel triggered, unsure, or full of grief. It’s all part of recovery process.

Trauma-informed therapy, EMDR, somatic work, and compassionate self-reflection can help rewire the nervous system’s response to chronic invalidation. It takes time to reconnect with the part of you that knows that what you went through was far from okay.

If you find yourself struggling with intense feelings of hopelessness, shame, or suicidal thoughts, it’s important to reach out for support. You are not alone, and help is available:

Helping People Who May Be Causing Harm

It’s not uncommon for people who are being abusive to also have a history of being abused, although it is important to understand that not everyone with a trauma history will repeat patterns. While that doesn’t excuse the behaviour, understanding the roots of it can open the door to accountability and change.

If you recognise that you have hurt someone, even unintentionally, the most healing thing you can do is take responsibility and seek professional support. Therapy, group work, and trauma-informed interventions can help you unpack patterns of control, anger, or emotional withdrawal.

Respecting the other person’s boundaries, including their right to end contact, is essential. Resources such as the Counselling Directory and Respect UK offer support for those wanting to change harmful behaviour patterns.

Final Thoughts

Covert abuse forms the basis for other forms of harm and can be just as damaging alone, if not more so. Whilst emotional and psychological abuse is often compared against other forms of abuse in terms of severity, the damage can be catastrophic because it can cause us to doubt ourselves and our own judgement, which can lead to nervous system dysregulation and physical illness. Survivors often face isolation from disbelief, as well as secondary abuse from the effects of smear campaigns and triangulation.

Healing requires validation, community, and self-compassion. Recognising what happened to you, or what you may have done to someone else, is the first step towards breaking the cycle for good.

You don’t have to prove your pain to anyone for it to be valid.