(Part 1) Covert Abuse: The Hidden Form of Psychological Control

Content warning: this article discusses emotional and psychological abuse

What Is Covert Abuse?

Covert abuse is one of the most insidious forms of emotional and psychological harm. Unlike overt abuse, which tends to be visible, such as shouting, threats, or public humiliation. Covert abuse, on the other hand, operates under the surface. It’s calculated, subtle, and often hidden behind charm and humour.

According to Neal (2022) covert abuse  is described as: "The indirect use of threat, force, intimidation, or aggression through humour, manipulation, criticism, or punishment in attempt to control or dominate another, occurring on its own or in between verbally, physically, or sexually abusive episodes" 

Covert abuse can underpin other forms of abuse or occur alone. It can happen within all types of relationships and environments. Over time, the repeated invalidation and distortion of a person's sense of self can greatly affect their ability to regulate their emotions, and can lead to poor self-worth, and trust in themselves and others. It can be devastating precisely because it’s hidden, minimised, or completely dismissed by others, and sometimes even by the survivor themselves. You might hear from others, or say to yourself, “At least they didn’t hit me,” but emotional and psychological abuse can create just as profound wounds on its own and often leads to other forms of abuse.

Research shows that emotional and psychological abuse are strongly linked to increased risk of self-harm and suicide. Survivors of intimate partner violence, including psychological abuse, are significantly more likely to experience suicidal thoughts and attempts (National Elf Service, 2023).

Coercive Control vs. Covert Abuse

Coercive control is a legal term that focuses on more prominent patterns of restriction and domination; covert abuse represents the subtle, hidden side of that control: the manipulation, undermining, and emotional erosion. By separating covert abuse for focus, we can bring attention to the patterns that are easy to miss but just as harmful and provide strategies for recognising and protecting yourself.

How Covert Abuse Manifests

Covert abuse tends to involve a pattern of subtle, undermining behaviours that erode another person's confidence and autonomy over time. These patterns can include:

Undermining:

This may include gaslighting/denying someone’s perspective, sighing, questioning, or using gestures that express criticism or condescension. It’s not always what’s said; sometimes it’s in the pauses, the tone, or the subtle facial expressions that suggest that you are the problem.

Withholding (physical or emotional neglect):

The abuser may be distant, temperamental, or passive-aggressive. They may withhold affection, attention, or basic empathy to punish or control. Over time, this creates confusion, leading the target to chase emotional connection.

Limiting:

Involves restricting the other person’s emotional or personal growth by guilt-tripping, violating boundaries, or redirecting attention back to themselves. It may look like subtle sabotage, such as discouraging new hobbies, undermining friendships, or minimising achievements (Parkinson, Jong & Hanson, 2024).

It is easier for abusers to deny covert abuse, as It’s difficult to prove and easy for outsiders to dismiss, which can compound the harm. Many survivors describe feeling like they are crazy, losing their mind or feel completely confused.

The Psychology Behind Covert Abuse

Covert abuse is about power and control. It often stems from deep insecurity, shame, or a fragile sense of self. By keeping the other person off balance through inconsistency, confusion, and emotional withdrawal, they maintain dominance while appearing reasonable or even compassionate and caring to other people.

Some abusers are consciously aware of their behaviour, while others act from unhealed wounds and maladaptive coping mechanisms. However, intent doesn’t negate impact. Whether deliberate or unconscious, the effects on the target can be profound.

Covert abuse is sometimes referred to as ambient or stealth abuse. While it is often associated with narcissistic traits or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), it can occur independently of a formal diagnosis.

What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?

The term 'narcissist' has become a cultural shorthand for self-absorption, but in clinical psychology, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a recognised mental health condition defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) and the International Classification of Diseases (ICD).

NPD falls within the Cluster B personality disorders, characterised by emotional, dramatic, and erratic behaviour. People with NPD often rely on external validation to maintain their self-esteem and may engage in manipulation, projection, or control to protect their fragile sense of self.

There are two main recognised presentations amongst clinicians:

• Overt (grandiose) narcissism: Arrogant, attention-seeking, and outwardly dominant.

• Covert (vulnerable) narcissism: Insecure, self-pitying, or quietly entitled, often seeming modest or victimised while harbouring resentment and superiority for others underneath.

  
  

  *In the ICD-11, narcissistic traits are no longer a standalone diagnosis but can be described as part of a broader personality disorder profile, typically showing dissocial and anankastic traits with narcissistic features.

It’s important to remember that narcissism exists on a spectrum. Healthy narcissism is part of being human, and it helps us value who we are and set boundaries. The disorder itself is only diagnosed when these traits are ingrained and pervasive.

High levels of narcissistic traits can appear in people without the disorder, as well as within other personality disorders.

The Rise of Misuse and Stigma

The term “narcissist” is often used casually on social media or in a way that dehumanises, which can sometimes blur its clinical meaning and unintentionally increase stigma for those who genuinely have personality disorders. In some cases, people who are manipulative or controlling may even turn the term back on their targets, trying to cast them as the abuser.

A survivor recognising and naming behaviours linked to narcissistic abuse isn’t the same as labelling someone as a narcissist. Doing so can help us make sense of our experiences and validate what has happened, without it being interpreted as a smear or feeding something dehumanising. By focusing on observable behaviours and the impact it has had on us, rather than assigning a diagnostic label, we maintain clarity about what is safe, and make decisions that protect our emotional and psychological health.

Love Bombing: The Hook of the Cycle

Love bombing is a term that's usually associated with romantic relationships but can occur in any dynamic: friendships, workplaces, or within families, for example.

It refers to an intense period of affection, attention, and idealisation at the beginning of a relationship. The person might shower you with praise, gifts, frequent messages, and/or grand declarations of love. While not all love bombing is malicious; when used manipulatively, it becomes a powerful conditioning tool.

When the affection suddenly stops, it creates emotional confusion and dependency. This pattern forms part of what is known as a trauma bond (a strong attachment to someone who alternates between caring and cruel behaviour).

The intermittent reinforcement of affection and punishment activates the brain’s reward system in a way similar to addiction. The highs and lows trigger dopamine and cortisol cycles, leaving the person feeling hooked, anxious, and desperate to return to the good phase of the relationship.

As Psych Central (2019) notes, this is why people often stay in relationships other people might see as clearly harmful: the bond is neurobiologically addictive. The abuser has effectively trained their target to equate love with cycles of emotional discordance and relief.

Why It’s So Hard to Leave

Leaving a covertly abusive relationship isn’t about willpower; it’s about unlearning a cycle that has rewired your nervous system.

If the abuser hasn’t created some form of dependence, they may instead instill fear of retribution or harm should the person try to leave. Survivors sometimes describe feeling torn, aware that the relationship is damaging, yet emotionally unable to leave. The abuse can be so subtle and insidious that the person doesn’t realise what’s happening, particularly when outsiders can’t see the behaviour to intervene to warn them.

In many cases, survivors describe physical symptoms such as severe exhaustion, insomnia, or illness. Chronic exposure to psychological abuse keeps the body in a state of hypervigilance, dysregulating the nervous system and immune function.

A Hidden Epidemic

Recent research (Parkinson, Jong & Hanson, 2024) highlights that covert abuse is still under-recognised yet deeply damaging, often leading to symptoms of Complex PTSD (C-PTSD). Because it leaves no physical scars, it can be dismissed, even by professionals unfamiliar with the trauma-informed approach.

But the wounds are real: the destruction of self-trust, the constant confusion, and the fear of not being believed can all have long-term effects.

Coming Next: Recognising and Protecting Yourself

In Part 2, we’ll explore how to recognise covert abuse, understand manipulative tactics like gaslighting, projection, and DARVO, and develop strategies for protecting yourself and rebuilding self-trust.